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I can't tell you how many conversations I've had about how hard it is to make decisions in this covid-19 world. There are so many factors. So much (and so little) research. So much news. So many contradictory studies. So much advice from well-meaning (and maybe some not-so-well-meaning) people in our lives. I have friends whose kids haven't missed a day of daycare this year and others who have not been anywhere except their homes and the outdoors since mid-March.  Some of us can't imagine doing this one more day. Others have settled into a rhythm that works for their family. I have those same two thoughts sometimes within 5 minutes.
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This week, we hope you'll feel empowered to trust yourself and choose care providers who listen and support you. This is especially important for your OBs, midwives, and pediatricians, but also extends to those caring for you and your children on a daily basis. It's never too late to make a shift - one mom in this community changed providers at 38 weeks pregnant! We'd love to hear your stories, too.
This week we’ll explore how to get sleep and rest (they are different! Read on for more!). This continues to be a challenging area in my life between work, kids, and everything else, but I notice that when I am able to prioritize giving my body and mind a break it makes all the difference. I have more patience for Aiden's 2-year-old-ness, more energy to share Caroline, and more kindness toward myself. I hope you’ll take the time to read these wise words from Robyn Gordon about prioritizing sleep and rest. We'd also love to hear how you make time for sleep & rest during pregnancy, early days with a newborn, and well into years of parenting. 
“Who am I and what do I even like doing anymore?” We’ve all been there and we’ve tried each one of these things, I bet. At the end of our hour, we can feel disappointed, guilty, confused. Still tired.
“Why couldn’t I get more done? Why aren’t I more rested now? I just need more.” We need more. We need more downtime. When we have an hour when we really need 4 or 5 in a day, it is something but it also simply isn’t enough. I know some of you are on the Siena Wellness email list so you may have seen my thoughts on suffering last week. I'm hoping we can go deeper into this topic together this week! Stay tuned for some questions and discussions... and thank you for being a part of this community. Let's talk about suffering (please don't stop reading!). Last Monday, I took my kids to Kenilworth Aquatic Gardens. I was hoping a nice change of scenery and fresh air would do us all some good - but what I got was an unexpected reminder  There were lotus flowers as far as we could see. It was amazing. And I immediately thought:
"no mud, no lotus."
We don’t expect babies to crawl or walk or talk perfectly the first time they try these things. We understand that it takes time and patience to learn new skills. This is true for the rest of our lives. Life takes practice. Mothering takes practice. None of us, not one single one of us, ever gets anything right straight out of the gate every time. Mothering is no exception.
While pregnancy and motherhood often feel completely all-consuming, there's nothing like a pandemic and full-on 24/7 parenting to remind us that it's SO HARD. The uncertainty, guilt, and need for a real break have punctuated all of my recent conversations. So here's our timely reminder that we need to advocate for ourselves, ask for help, and prioritize our own well-being. During pregnancy, not only are we building a human being with our bodies, we are also morphing from an autonomous individual mostly free to spend our time, energy and resources any way we like into a person with responsibilities for others lives and well-being. We begin to feel the limitations of our time, energy and resources as we experience sickness, exhaustion, physical pain and discomfort, or simply getting too big at some point to tie our own shoes or go for a run.
In becoming a mother, we lose some of our autonomy, but we gain many other things, including a deeper sense of self and purpose in life for things in and outside of our home. We become oriented to a deeper richer fuller life if we allow ourselves the transformation. But we can’t transform alone. We need help. We need to advocate for ourselves and our needs. While motherhood is a time of giving to the next generation, it is also a time of asking for and receiving help. The task is too big to do alone as an autonomous individual. There have always been ups and downs in life - but never have they felt so acute for me as immediately postpartum with both of my children and continuing into parenthood. In the span of 30 seconds I can be grateful for our health, completely overwhelmed by the state of the world (and the state of my house), in love with my kids' yogurt-covered faces, and desperate for a minute to myself. My feelings are amplified and contradictory.   I want to share a combined lesson I learned at a young age: everyone's struggle is real and there is enough empathy in the world to go around.
Those of you who have had children know that so much of the transformation to motherhood happens behind closed doors. It is largely invisible to the world. It is also a monumental shift. It’s real work.
In a newborn group this week, several new moms spoke about how guilty they’ve felt that they are sitting around feeding babies while partners do everything (or don’t do everything and there’s conflict!). Some women really enjoy pregnancy. I didn’t. In fact, I hated every moment of those 27-months. I can’t believe I did it, on purpose, three times. For me and others, the debilitating nausea, exhaustion and physical pain leaves us feeling out of control of our bodies and our lives. Even if we’re well through pregnancy, there still comes a time when we have lost the ability to do something we have taken for granted - like tying our shoes, going for a run, or just getting up off the floor unassisted. As the baby bump gets bigger, we can’t control the unwelcome comments everyone, even strangers, feel entitled to direct at us. We lose even more control during labor. Contractions begin, become more intense, and then with a final push, a new life comes into being. And our lives are irrevocably changed.  I've been feeling the outward call to action in response to the injustice and tragedy in our country. The need to do something, anything. And while there are great organizations to support and resources to gather we also need the reminder that transformation begins with us. In our own internal landscapes, with our families, our neighbors, and our communities. This wonderful post from Paula Kuka is a great reminder:  I hope you'll be able to make some time for reflection this week. Looking at our own values, lives, and actions so we can use this amazing gift of motherhood to make the world a better place through our own actions and as role models for our children.
While we do often have support around us, giving birth is an experience we go through alone under any circumstance, pandemic or not. Birth is happening in your body, with your body, and ideally, with your full participation of your own internal experience. It’s a Heroine’s Journey. (A Hero’s Journey is the masculine experience of adventuring out into the world, whereas a Heroine’s Journey is the experience of going inward to heal and reclaim our feminine power.)
Though it is a solitary journey, we can support and bear witness to each other, share our experiences, learn from each other, and build a new world that works for all, together, as a result. There are many ways to experience the Heroine’s Journey. Pregnancy is one of the most tangible. Pregnancy is an internal, alchemical process, as you build a human in your body with your body. Creating, holding and growing life where there was none before. Please allow that to sink in. Really. If we understood the miracle of that, we could no longer have violence against women. Nor could we have violence against anyone who’s life was created by a woman. And we would trust women to know what’s best for her body, her life, and her family. Owning this sacred, internal process is vitally important, now more than ever. We cannot go on ignoring the sacredness of the lives we women bring into the world. The Heroine’s Journey does not stop with pregnancy and birth. It is, however, an essential first step to the rest of your life as Mother. No one else will be Mother to your child but you. You may have proxies, but no one else will ever fill that role but you. No one will know and advocate for your child like you will. Partners, family members, friends and caregivers have their very important roles to play, but you alone are Mother. No one will give birth but you. No one will Mother but you. And no one will give birth to you as Mother but you.
We have to trust ourselves and each other to know better than anyone about our own unique experiences.
Pain isn’t without purpose. It is designed to get our attention and change our behavior. For example, physical pain tells us to stop walking on an injured foot, or that we’re dehydrated and need more water (or that it is time for a baby to be born!) Emotional pain can tell us it is time to leave a job or make a change in a relationship. How do we learn from our pain in a way that allows us to grow and thrive? Life is messy. It’s constantly changing. Nothing is meant to stay the same. Sometimes changes come in small ways: we try a new recipe, take a new class, meet a new friend. Sometimes those changes are bigger: we change jobs, move our home, get married. Other times those changes are extraordinary: we get pregnant and prepare to give birth. Becoming a mother is an extraordinary change. Like death, it not only changes our circumstances, but it also rocks us to our core. We are forever and irrevocably changed by the experience. And it’s messy. And you are experiencing this extraordinary time in the middle of another extraordinary time, a global pandemic. Talk about messy.  Before a caterpillar becomes a butterfly it turns into a soupy mush in its cocoon. That cannot be a pleasant experience. And it is certainly messy. The caterpillar literally gives itself up in order to become something completely brand new. This is what motherhood is about. I don’t mean that you give yourself up to be whatever your child needs, though there is an element of that. What I mean is that you give up the caterpillar you once were to become the butterfly you were meant to be.
I've been following the amazing Paula Kuka on instagram (@common_wild) for a while and had to share today's post with you all -  Her illustrations and captions capture motherhood so authentically. I feel connected and supported just looking at them and knowing there are SO many other women who relate to her work and her posts. I never would have thought that an artist from the other side of the world would contribute to my feeling supported! Mother.ly did an interview article featuring another of my favorites:  Hope you find some joy and comfort (and maybe even support!) in her work.
There was just a really great recent thread on our companion list serve about essentials for a hospital birth - especially items not covered by the basic lists available online. Here are what 10+ moms in our community shared...   Happy Mother's Day! It's a day for US - to feel celebrated, appreciated, and supported.
But many of us are finding this especially hard with stay-at-home orders and social distancing. Everyone is overwhelmed and we are doing more than we ever should on our own. We were meant to give birth and raise our babies and children in community! Many of our conversations over the past few weeks have been about our traditional sources of support disappearing with COVID-19 - just a few of the ways we've heard your plans unravel: -My doula can't come to the hospital to support me in labor -I can't introduce my rainbow baby to my best friends -My husband may miss the birth of our second child because my in-laws can't come to help -The (relatively) quiet maternity leave I had planned to bond with my baby is now filled with toddler tantrums and homeschooling -My sister who was supposed to come be with me can't fly in from California -Daycare is closed and I can't get any work done with my kids at home -I am feeling anxious and don't have anyone to reach out to We've also heard so many creative ways to ask for (and say yes to!) support even amidst a pandemic - here are a few ideas: As painful as it is, grief is an emotion we must allow for in the cycle of life. We must truly surrender to this part of living before something new can fully come into being. Autumn arrives every year. The trees give up their leaves in order to fertilize the earth for the new growth that will come in the spring. In the Celtic tradition we give up our “maidenhood” in order to experience “motherhood.” This transition occurs later in women’s lives these days, so there are more aspects of ourselves to let go of. A lot more to grieve, like the career that was once fulfilling now seems unimportant, even trivial. Especially in light of the pandemic.
As an acupuncturist, I watch how emotions move (or don’t move) through us. Grief seems to be the most difficult for modern humans in our culture to experience. It’s such a full emotion. Grief has its way with us until it’s done, and it’s never completely done. In Chinese medicine each season is associated with an emotion. Fear is the emotion associated with winter, the next season in the cycle of living after the grief of autumn. Unlike grief, which is a full emotion that requires us to experience it, fear is an emotion that calls us to action. There is danger and we must respond.
Sometimes that response is immediate: we quickly move our hand away from a hot burner, or we step back onto the curb when we see a car speeding down the road that we didn’t see before, or we grab the steering wheel back when our teenager is learning to drive and is about to turn into oncoming traffic (two down and one to go in driver’s ed for me!) Sometimes fear feels more like anxiety and panic. So often when we’re in panic, we behave as if the danger is as imminent as pulling our hand away from a hot burner, and we make rash decisions that are often more harmful than helpful.  Pregnancy and early motherhood are already filled with uncertainty - the added layer of a global pandemic may make it feel close to impossible to make plans and decisions.
What about my birth plan? Or family and friends who were going to come and help? What about childcare? Or any of the other plans we had for the next few months? Pregnant? Here's an article from Motherly about how to adapt your Birth Plan. One of my favorite questions from the article: Are you making decisions out of fear or in confidence? Last week we re-discovered Brené Brown's INCREDIBLE Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto. Her article introducing it on HuffPost is also completely worth reading if you have 5 minutes not covered in children (which definitely doesn't happen every day in our lives...). Honestly, it was exactly what we needed to hear and what we'll be diving into with our Mamas Circles and Pregnancy Support Circle this week. Not in a circle? Share your thoughts on Mama Love.  So many screens. So much juggling of work and kids. And at the end of the day everyone is exhausted, overwhelmed, and often over-touched. It's so hard to find the time/space/energy to be with our partners. Here are a few great ideas that came out of our Mamas Circle for staying connected to your partner:
Please share your other ideas!  In one of our Motherhood Circles one mom shared how she is feeling more connected to her partner since they started a weekly check-in (affectionately called a love-in). Everyone wanted ALL THE DETAILS so here they are! Sit together for a few minutes every Sunday (or whatever day of the week works best for you) and go through these four steps: 1. A brief meditation - could be 30 seconds of quiet, or a quick guided meditation if you have more time. 2. Praise & Gratitude - each person offers praise & gratitude for the other. 3. Air grievances - exactly what it sounds like: talking about current issues/challenges. 4. The week ahead - looking at your calendar(s) together to see what is coming up and how to get through it together. 5. Physical touch - spend some time connecting physically. Let us know if you try it and how it works!  The topic of the mental load comes up in every single circle and most conversations I have with parents of young children. If you are new to the idea of the mental load this cartoon is a great place to start: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked  Here are a couple of articles with suggestions on how to discuss or redistribute the mental load:
https://parenting.nytimes.com/work-money/mental-load https://www.sacmag.com/health/the-mental-load/ There has been less research on same-sex couples but here are a few perspectives: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/16/upshot/same-sex-couples-divide-chores-much-more-evenly-until-they-become-parents.html https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12779502/emotional-labor-lgbtq-relationships/ Do you relate to any of these articles? Or have other advice to offer on the mental load? |
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